Scott M. Brown, Texas Lawyer

2009-05-13T05:33:00.002-05:00

Last time we stated that there are three types of alienators when it comes to parental alienation: (1) the Active Alienator; (2) the Obsessed Alienator; and (3) the Naïve Alienator. Last time we discussed the attributes of the Active Alienator. This week, we will look at the other two.

The Obsessed Alienator

"I love my children. If the court can't protect them from their abusive father, I will. Even though he's never abused the children, I know it's a matter of time. The children are frightened of their father. If they don't want to see him, I'm not going to force them. They are old enough to make up their own minds."

The obsessed alienator is a parent, or sometimes a grandparent, with a cause: to align the children to his or her side and together, with the children, campaign to destroy their relationship with the targeted parent. For the campaign to work, the obsessed alienator enmeshes the children's personalities and beliefs into their own. This is a process that takes time but one that the children, especially the young, are completely helpless to see and combat. It usually begins well before the divorce is final. The obsessed parent is angry, bitter or feels betrayed by the other parent. The initial reasons for the bitterness may actually be justified. They could have been verbally and physical abused, raped, betrayed by an affair, or financially cheated. The problem occurs when the feelings won't heal but instead become more intense because of being forced to continue the relationship with a person they despise because of their common parenthood. Just having to see or talk to the other parent is a reminder of the past and triggers the hate. They are trapped with nowhere to go and heal.

The characteristics of obsessed alienators are:

They are obsessed with destroying the children's relationship with the targeted parent.

They having succeeded in enmeshing the children's personalities and beliefs about the other parent with their own.

The children will parrot the obsessed alienator rather than express their own feelings from personal experience with the other parent.

The targeted parent and often the children cannot tell you the reasons for their feelings. Their beliefs sometimes becoming delusional and irrational. No one, especially the court, can convince obsessed alienators that they are wrong. Anyone who tries is the enemy.

They will often seek support from family members, quasi-political groups or friends that will share in their beliefs that they are victimized by the other parent and the system. The battle becomes "us against them." The obsessed alienator's supporters are often seen at the court hearings even though they haven't been subpoenaed.

They have an unquenchable anger because they believe that they have been victimized by the targeted parent and whatever they do to protect the children is justified.

They have a desire for the court to punish the other parent with court orders that would interfere or block the targeted parent from seeing the children. This confirms in the obsessed alienator's mind that he or she was right all the time.

The court's authority does not intimidate them.

The obsessed alienator believes in a higher cause, protecting the children at all cost.

The obsessed alienator will probably not want to read what is on these pages because the content just makes them angrier.

There are no effective treatments for either the obsessed alienator or the children. The courts and mental health professionals are helpless. The only hope for these children is early identification of the symptoms and prevention. After the alienation is entrenched and the children become "true believers" in the parent's cause, the children are lost to the other parent for years to come. We realize this is a sad statement, but we have yet to find an effective intervention, by anyone, including the courts that can rehabilitate the alienating parent and child.

The Naive Alienator

"Tell your father that he has more money than I do, so let him buy your soccer shoes."

Most divorced parents have moments when they are Naive alienators. These parents mean well and recognize the importance of the children having a healthy relationship with the other parent. They rarely have to return to court because of problems with visits or other issues relating to the children. They encourage the relationship between the children and the other parent and their family. Communication between both parents is usually good, though they will have their disagreements, much like they did before the divorce. For the most part, they can work out their differences without bringing the children into it. Children, whether or not their parents are divorced, know there are times when their parents will argue or disagree about something. They don't like seeing their parents argue and may feel hurt or frightened by what they hear. Somehow, the children manage to cope, either by talking out their feelings to a receptive parent, ignoring the argument or trusting that the skirmish will pass and all will heal. What they see and hear between their parents does not typically damage the children of the naive alienator. They trust their parent's love and protection. The child and the parent have distinct personalities, beliefs and feelings. Neither is threatened by how the other feels towards the targeted parent.

The characteristics of Naive alienators are:

Their ability to separate in their minds the children's needs from their own. They recognize the importance for the children to spend time with the other parent so they can build a mutually loving relationship. They avoid making the other parent a target for their hurt and loss.
Their ability to feel secure with the children's relationship with their grandparents and their mother or father.

Their respect for court orders and authority.

Their ability to let their anger and hurt heal and not interfere with the children's relationship with their mother or father.

Their ability to be flexible and willing to work with the other parent.

Their ability to feel guilty when they acted in a way to hurt the children's relationship with their mother or father.

Their ability to allow the other parent to share in their children's activities.

Their ability to share medical and school records.

Naive alienators usually don't need therapy but will benefit from learning about parental alienation because of the insight they will gain about how to keep alienation from escalating into something more severe and damaging for all. These parents know they make mistakes but care enough about their children to make things right. They focus on what is good for the children without regret, blame or martyrdom.

Provided by Douglas Darnell, Ph.D. of Divorce Source.

2009-04-15T07:33:00.020-05:00

Three Types of Alienators in Parental Alienation

In the last few blogs, we discussed the signs and symptoms and how to recognize parental alienation. Continuing on with the issues of parental alienation, Douglas Darnell, Ph.D. of Divorce Source, has identified three types alienators in parental alienation cases: (1) The Active Alienator, (2) The Obsessive Alienator, and (3) The Naïve Alienator. This week we will look at the Active Alienator.

The Active Alienator

"I don't want you to tell your father that I earned this extra money. The miser will take it from his child support check that will keep us from going to Disneyworld. You remember he's done this before when we wanted to go to Grandma's for Christmas."

Most parents returning to court over problems with visitation are active alienators. These parents mean well and believe that the children should have a healthy relationship with the other parent. The problem they have is with controlling their frustration, bitterness or hurt. When something happens to trigger their painful feelings, active alienators lash out in a way to cause or reinforce alienation against the targeted parent. After regaining control, the parent will usually feel guilty or bad about what they did and back off from their alienating tactics. Vacillating between impulsively alienating and then repairing the damage with the children is the trademark of the active alienator. They mean well, but will lose control because the intensity of their feelings overwhelms them.

The characteristics of active alienators are:

Lashing out at the other parent in front of the children. Their problem has more to do with loss of self-control when they are upset than with a sinister motivation.

After calming down, active alienators realize that they were wrong. They usually try to repair any damage or hurt to the children. During the making up, such parents can be very comforting and supportive of the child's feelings.

Like naive alienators, they are able to differentiate between their needs and those of the children by supporting the children's desire to have a relationship with the other parent.

Like naive alienators, active alienators allow the children to have different feelings and beliefs from their own. During the flare ups of anger, however, the delineation between the child and parent's beliefs can become very blurry until the parent calms down and regains control. For the most part, older children have their own opinions about both parents based upon personal experience rather than what they are told by others. To keep peace, the older child usually learns to keep their opinions to themselves. Younger and more trusting children become more confused and vulnerable to their parents' manipulations.

They have the ability to respect the court's authority and, for the most part, comply with court orders. However, they can be very rigid and uncooperative with the other parent. This is usually a passive attempt to strike back at the other parent for some injustice.

Active alienators are usually willing to accept professional help when they or the children have a problem that does not go away.

They are sincerely concerned about their children's adjustment to the divorce. Harboring old feelings continues to be a struggle, but active alienators continue to hope for a speedy recovery from their pain.

2009-04-08T06:57:00.007-05:00

Parental Alienation -- A Continued Analysis

Last week we looked at symptoms of “parental alienation.” This week is a continuation of that subject by Douglas Darnell of Divorce Source, and we will look at different risk factors of parental alienation as well as the signs of recognizing a severely alienated child.

Parental Alienation: Risk Factors of Alienation:

During a separation or a divorce, there are a number of factors that can put you and your children at risk for parental alienation. Early recognition of these factors is important so you can intervene and protect your relationship with your children.

· Visits are withheld.
· Children are frequently not returned on time (later than a half-hour).
· A parent threatens to abduct the children.
· Suggestions of sexual, physical, and/or mental abuse.
· Alcohol or drug abuse.
· A parent having a severe mental disorder.
· A parent interferes with a reasonable number of phone calls.
· Children begin refusing to visit.

This list is not intended to be a list of symptoms, these are risk factors that you should be aware of that can lead to alienation.

Parental Alienation: Recognizing a Severely Alienated Child:

· They have a relentless hatred for/towards the targeted parent.
· They parrot the Obsessed Alienator.
· The child does not want to visit or spend any time with the targeted parent.
· Many of the child's beliefs are enmeshed with the alienator.
· The beliefs are delusional and frequently irrational.
· They are not intimidated by the court.
· Frequently, their reasons are not based on personal experiences with the targeted parent but reflect what they are told by the Obsessed Alienator. They have difficulty making any differentiate between the two.
· The child has no ambivalence in his or her feelings; it's all hatred with no ability to see the good.
· They have no capacity to feel guilty about how they behave towards the targeted parent or forgive any past indiscretions.
· They share the Obsessed Alienators cause. Together, they are in lockstep to denigrate the hated parent.
· The children's obsessional hatred extends to the targeted parent's extended family without any guilt or remorse.
· They can appear like normal healthy children until asked about the targeted parent that triggers their hatred.

Provided by Douglas Darnell, Ph.D.

2009-04-08T06:43:00.003-05:00

Last time, we analyzed the symptoms of "parental alienation" as to when a parent is engaging in this type of behavior. This week is a continuation of that subject by Douglas Darnell of Divorce Source, and we will look at other risk factors as well as recognizing a severely alienated child.

Parental Alienation: Risk Factors of Alienation:

During a separation or a divorce, there are a number of factors that can put you and your children at risk for parental alienation. Early recognition of these factors is important so you can intervene and protect your relationship with your children.

* Visits are withheld.
* Children are frequently not returned on time (later than a half-hour).
* A parent threatens to abduct the children.
* Suggestions of sexual, physical, and/or mental abuse.
* Alcohol or drug abuse.
* A parent having a severe mental disorder.
* A parent interferes with a reasonable number of phone calls.
* Children begin refusing to visit.

This list is not intended to be a list of symptoms, these are risk factors that you should be aware of that can lead to alienation.

Parental Alienation: Recognizing a Severely Alienated Child:

* They have a relentless hatred for/towards the targeted parent.
* They parrot the Obsessed Alienator.
* The child does not want to visit or spend any time with the targeted parent.
* Many of the child's beliefs are enmeshed with the alienator.
* The beliefs are delusional and frequently irrational.
* They are not intimidated by the court.
* Frequently, their reasons are not based on personal experiences with the targeted parent but reflect what they are told by the Obsessed Alienator. They have difficulty making any differentiate between the two.
* The child has no ambivalence in his or her feelings; it's all hatred with no ability to see the good.
* They have no capacity to feel guilty about how they behave towards the targeted parent or forgive any past indiscretions.
* They share the Obsessed Alienators cause. Together, they are in lockstep to denigrate the hated parent.
* The children's obsessional hatred extends to the targeted parent's extended family without any guilt or remorse.
* They can appear like normal healthy children until asked about the targeted parent that triggers their hatred.

Provided by Douglas Darnell, Ph.D.

2009-03-25T23:54:00.005-05:00

What is “Parental Alienation”?

This is a term that is often heard and used in child custody cases. Below is an article provided by Douglas Darnell, Ph.D. of Divorce Source that discusses the topic of parental alienation and twenty common symptoms of parental alienation. Parental Alienation Parental alienation varies in the degree of severity, as seen in the behaviors and attitudes of both the parents and the children. The severity can be of such little consequence as a parent occasionally calling the other parent a derogatory name; or it could be as overwhelming as the parent's campaign of consciously destroying the children's relationship with the other parent. Most children are able to brush off a parent's off hand comment about the other parent that is made in frustration. On the other hand, children may not be able to resist a parent's persistent campaign of hatred and alienation.

Preventing or stopping alienation must begin with learning how to recognize the three types of alienators because the symptoms and strategies for combating each are different. Naïve alienators are parents who are passive about the children's relationship with the other parent but will occasionally do or say something to alienate. All parents will occasionally be naive alienators. Active alienators also know better than to alienate, but their intense hurt or anger causes them to impulsively lose control over their behavior or what they say. Later, they may feel very guilty about how they behaved. Obsessed alienators have a fervent cause, to destroy the targeted parent. Frequently a parent can be a blend between two types of alienators, usually a combination between the naïve and active alienator. Rarely does the obsessed alienator have enough self-control or insight to blend with the other types.

Symptoms of Parental Alienation:

To prevent the devastating effects of Parental Alienation, you must begin by recognizing the symptoms of Parental Alienation. After reading the list, don't get discouraged when you notice that some of your own behaviors have been alienating. This is normal in even the best of parents. Instead, let the list help sensitize you to how you are behaving and what you are saying to your children.

1. Giving children choices when they have no choice about visits. Allowing the child to decide for themselves to visit, because when the court order says there is no choice sets up the child for conflict. The child will usually blame the non-residential parent for not being able to decide to choose whether or not to visit. The parent is now victimized regardless of what happens; not being able to see his children or if he or she sees them, the children are angry.

2. Telling the child "everything" about the marital relationship or reasons for the divorce is alienating. The parent usually argues that they are "just wanting to be honest" with their children. This practice is destructive and painful for the child. The alienating parent's motive is for the child to think less of the other parent.

3. Refusing to acknowledge that children have property and may want to transport their possessions between residences.

4. Resisting or refusing to cooperate by not allowing the other parent access to school or medical records and schedules of extracurricular activities.

5. A parent blaming the other parent for financial problems, breaking up the family, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc.

6. Refusing to be flexible with the visitation schedule in order to respond to the child's needs. The alienating parent may also schedule the children in so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visit. Of course, when the targeted parent protests, they are described as not caring and selfish.

7. Assuming that if a parent had been physically abusive with the other parent, it follows that the parent will assault the child. This assumption is not always true.

8. Asking the child to choose one parent over another parent causes the child considerable distress. Typically, they do not want to reject a parent, but instead want to avoid the issue. The child, not the parent, should initiate any suggestion for change of residence.

9. Children will become angry with a parent. This is normal, particularly if the parent disciplines or has to say "no". If for any reason the anger is not allowed to heal, you can suspect parental alienation. Trust your own experience as a parent. Children will forgive and want to be forgiven if given a chance. Be very suspicious when the child calmly says they can not remember any happy times with you or they cannot say anything they like about you.

10. Be suspicious when a parent or stepparent raises the question about changing the child's name or suggests an adoption.

11. When children can not give reasons for being angry towards a parent or their reasons are very vague without any details.

12. A parent having secrets, special signals, a private rendezvous, or words with special meanings are very destructive and reinforce an on-going alienation.

13. When a parent uses a child to spy or covertly gather information for the parent's own use, the child receives a damaging message that demeans the victimized parent.

14. Parents setting up temptations that interfere with the child's visitation.

15. A parent suggesting or reacting with hurt or sadness to their child having a good time with the other parent will cause the child to withdraw and not communicate. They will frequently feel guilty or conflicted not knowing that it's "okay" to have fun with their other parent.

16. The parent asking the child about his or her other parent's personal life causes the child considerable tension and conflict. Children who are not alienated want to be loyal to both parents.

17. When parents physically or psychologically rescue the children when there is no threat to their safety. This practice reinforces in the child's mind the illusion of threat or danger, thereby reinforcing alienation.

18. Making demands on the other parent that is contrary to court orders.

19. Listening in on the children's phone conversation they are having with the other parent.

20. One way to cause your own alienation is making a habit of braking promises to your children. In time, your ex-spouse will get tired of having to make excuses for you.

Provided by Douglas Darnell, Ph.D.

2009-03-18T07:14:00.003-05:00

What are factors that may lead to divorce? Below is an interesting article written by Graeme J. Davidson.

Divorce risk factors
by Graeme J. Davidson, March, 2003

[See also about the book Split Decision: Stay? Go? Don't Know! Relationship matters and the accompanying feature article Infidelity: in hot pursuit of a better organsm or better intimacy? also by Graeme Davidson]

What are the main factors that lead to marriage break-ups? Census and other demographic statistics that point to a higher risk of marriage break-up include:

* the end of the honeymoon period
* saying 'I do' at a very young age
* you or your partner's parents have split
* either of you is previously divorced
* cohabitation prior to marriage
* no religious affiliation or practicing different faiths
* belonging to an ethnic or cultural group with a higher than average number of break-ups (e.g. * US Afro-Americans have a high rate while US Asians have a low rate of divorce)
* pregnancy or children prior to marriage
* low income or low educational level
* having a job working with a large number of the opposite gender, especially men working with women

The more of these factors that are involved, the greater the chance of marriage failure. The seven-year itch should be renamed the two-year itch as it is at the end of the honeymoon period when many relationships disintegrate. Couples who are unable to cope with this normal phase of discontent may separate and file for divorce around the third and fourth years of marriage.

The popular courtship pattern of living together prior to marriage greatly increases the risk of divorce — by as much as 46% according to one study. Maybe this is because those who live together are unwilling to commit to the relationship and are less religious as couples with a strong religious faith are less likely to split. Sometimes when those that cohabit do marry this is in the hope that marriage will change the course of a relationship that is already heading for the rocks. And when they do hit the rocks, couples quickly point to their getting married as the excuse for the wreck.

Having a job where there is a large number of the opposite gender enables comparisons with a spouse and the opportunity to form a relationship with someone more 'suitable'. Although this applies more often to men, women can also succumb to the charms of a workplace colleague.
The demographic statistics don't explain the interpersonal reasons for marriage failure. When Ilene Wolcott and Jody Hughes of the Australian Institute of Family Studies (1999) asked a sample of 633 divorced people what they thought was the main reason for their marriage ending, they found that the reasons in the order they were most frequently cited were:

* communication problems (27.3%)
* incompatibility / drifted apart (21%)
* an extramarital affair (20.1%)
* alcohol or drug abuse (7.4%)
* physical violence to you or children (5.5%)
* financial problems (4.7%)
* physical or mental health problems (4.7%)
* emotional or verbal abuse (1.9%)
* problems with children (1.4%)
* other, e.g. disagreements over employment and gender roles in the home (1.4%)
* spouse's personality (1.1%)
* family interference from in-laws (0.6%)

Most of the respondents had been divorced for more than five years, so their views as to their marriage history may have been coloured by their current situation. Communication problems and incompatibility included notions of not being understood, feeling that needs were not being met, loss of affection and lack of common interests.

Very few people mentioned sexual incompatibility as the reason for divorce and very few men cited physical violence against them or their children, even though (contrary to popular belief) some studies of crime statistics conclude that women perpetrate more violence than men in the home. Maybe men feel less threatened or that it is unmanly to admit to being the subject of female violence. The low number who sited interference from the in-laws and other reasons such as disagreements over gender roles in the home or conflict over employment is surprising given the widespread publicity of these issues as a cause of marital disharmony over the last two decades.

Infidelity is usually a symptom of a deteriorating marriage, indicating that the trust and emotional bonds between spouses are seriously damaged. Partners can survive this trauma and the relationship strengthened, but it is often a signal that there are major problems with the marriage and a partner is thinking of quitting. Some adult magazine reader surveys have concluded that at least one spouse in about 80% of marriages is unfaithful. Media and Hollywood depictions of infidelity reinforce this view and surveys show that most people believe that extramarital affairs are a common occurrence. But a 1996 survey result from the University of Chicago estimates that within the US 22% of men and 14% of women had had one or more sexual encounters outside their marriages — figures that are consistent with the Australian finding of 20.1% of respondents giving an extramarital affair as the reason for divorce. Infidelity, and the high risk this brings of divorce, is more likely to occur if a partner has had many sexual encounters prior to marriage.

Married clergy have a high rate of divorce and recent publicity has highlighted how clergy are not immune from sexual affairs. A 1991 Minneapolis Star Tribune survey found that 21% of responding Catholic priests said they violated their vow of celibacy, and 15% of Protestant pastors had had an extramarital affair.

Other studies have found that couples who have split also mention:
* knowing each other for only a short time prior to marriage
* difficulty handling disagreements
* lack of commitment to the marriage
* unrealistic beliefs about marriage
* a dramatic change in priorities
* a personality tendency to react strongly or defensively to problems and disappointments in life
* abandonment
* preoccupation in non family-related activities

Spouses who regularly forsake the marital bed for assignations with their computer are also creating a serious risk factor. According to a report during 2002, the UK relationship counselling service Relate claimed that one in 10 couples now blame the internet for their marriage problems.

For more information on the book Split Decision: Stay? Go? Don't know! Relationship matters, written by Graeme Davidson.

2009-03-11T06:38:00.005-05:00

WHAT IS THE PARENTAL PRESUMPTION?

If a lawsuit is filed in which a parent and a grandparent are fighting for custody of a child, does the law presume that the parent should be given priority over the grandparent to have custody of the child? Of course, as with most things in the law, the answer is "it depends."

One big factor is whether the lawsuit in question is an original lawsuit or a modification of a prior lawsuit. In an original lawsuit, the Texas Family Code provides that the law presumes that the appointment of a parent as a child's managing conservator is in the child's best interest. But again, as with most things in the law, that presumption can be overcome, if "the court finds that appointment of the parent or parents would not be in the best interest of the child because the appointment would significantly impair the child's physical health or emotional development." See Tex. Fam. Code § 153.131.

Additionally, Texas Family Code section 151.131 provides that "a finding of a history of family violence involving the parents of a child removes the presumption" that parents should be appointed as a child's managing conservator.

So while an original lawsuit presumes parents should have custody, however, if the lawsuit is a modification of a prior lawsuit involving the child, the "parental presumption" no longer applies. In those cases, while the grandparent does not have to overcome the parental presumption, the grandparent seeking custody would still have to show that naming the grandparent as the child's managing conservator would be in the child's best interest and the circumstances have materially and substantially change since the date of the last court order.

There are other issues the court may consider, such as whether the grandparent has "standing" to file suit, but that is another topic for another day.

Have a Blessed Day!!

CONSENT TO MEDICAL CARE BY A NON-PARENT

2009-03-02T18:40:00.002-06:00

I have been asked several times as to whether a step-parent can consent or take a child to receive medical care. Usually, the other parent is objecting to the client’s new spouse taking the child to the doctor. Well, this is what the Texas Family Code states:

SUBCHAPTER A. CONSENT TO MEDICAL, DENTAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL, AND SURGICAL TREATMENT

Sec. 32.001. CONSENT BY NON-PARENT. (a) The following persons may consent to medical, dental, psychological, and surgical treatment of a child when the person having the right to consent as otherwise provided by law cannot be contacted and that person has not given actual notice to the contrary:

(1) a grandparent of the child;
(2) an adult brother or sister of the child;
(3) an adult aunt or uncle of the child;
(4) an educational institution in which the child is enrolled that has received written authorization to consent from a person having the right to consent;
(5) an adult who has actual care, control, and possession of the child and has written authorization to consent from a person having the right to consent;
(6) a court having jurisdiction over a suit affecting the parent-child relationship of which the child is the subject;
(7) an adult responsible for the actual care, control, and possession of a child under the jurisdiction of a juvenile court or committed by a juvenile court to the care of an agency of the state or county; or
(8) a peace officer who has lawfully taken custody of a minor, if the peace officer has reasonable grounds to believe the minor is in need of immediate medical treatment.

(b) The Texas Youth Commission may consent to the medical, dental, psychological, and surgical treatment of a child committed to it under Title 3 when the person having the right to consent has been contacted and that person has not given actual notice to the contrary.

(c) This section does not apply to consent for the immunization of a child.

(d) A person who consents to the medical treatment of a minor under Subsection (a)(7) or (8) is immune from liability for damages resulting from the examination or treatment of the minor, except to the extent of the person’s own acts of negligence. A physician or dentist licensed to practice in this state, or a hospital or medical facility at which a minor is treated is immune from liability for damages resulting from the examination or treatment of a minor under this section, except to the extent of the person’s own acts of negligence.

Amended by Acts 1995, 74th Leg., ch. 20, Sec. 1, eff. April 20, 1995; Acts 1995, 74th Leg., ch. 751, Sec. 5, eff. Sept. 1, 1995.

Sec. 32.002. CONSENT FORM.

(a) Consent to medical treatment under this subchapter must be in writing, signed by the person giving consent, and given to the doctor, hospital, or other medical facility that administers the treatment.

(b) The consent must include:

(1) the name of the child;
(2) the name of one or both parents, if known, and the name of any managing conservator or guardian of the child;
(3) the name of the person giving consent and the person’s relationship to the child;
(4) a statement of the nature of the medical treatment to be given; and
(5) the date the treatment is to begin.

As one can see, the best approach is for the parent, that is a joint managing conservator with the other parent, to sign a written consent naming their new spouse, a/k/a step-parent as a person who has the permission to consent to medical treatment. This written consent should be given to the doctor’s office and the ex-spouse. But notice, that the statute specifically excludes immunizations from this consent authority.